Sense of Self – being authentically you in your relationships

Following on from the previous article on Safety as a foundation for thriving relationships, here we move onto another ingredient — Sense of Self — and the role this plays in developing our relationship resilience.

What is Sense of Self in a relationship?

Sense of Self is your internal compass — a clear, steady awareness of your values, voice, and personal identity. In strong, supportive relationships, individuality is not only preserved but celebrated.

This isn't about independence vs. dependence. It’s about interdependence — a dynamic where people come together, not to change each other to merge into one indistinct “we,” but to grow as individuals because of each other.

Why It Matters

A relationship that nurtures your individuality is one that allows you to:

• voice your needs without guilt
• disagree without fear of rejection
• evolve without outgrowing the partnership
• perform well using your strengths and talents

When Sense of Self is compromised, people may feel unseen, unheard, or stifled. Over time, this erodes not only self-esteem but the relationship itself.

But when it’s protected? The relationship becomes a launchpad, not a limitation.

Authenticity underpins relationship resilience — the ability to deal with conflict, change, and challenge without losing connection. In both personal and professional settings, a healthy Sense of Self also fuels high performance, unlocking greater creativity, commitment, and collaboration.

Belonging vs. Fitting In

One of the most subtle threats to our Sense of Self is the desire to fit in. We learn to adapt, adjust, and sometimes abandon aspects of who we are — just to feel accepted. But there’s a big difference between fitting in and belonging.

• Fitting in asks: What do I need to change to be accepted here?
• Belonging says: I am accepted here because of who I truly am.

When we aim to fit in, we may compromise — our voice, our values, even our authenticity — in exchange for approval. True belonging starts with being yourself and is met with respect, not resistance.

Being aware of what we compromise — and why — is an act of self-respect, and enables us to make choices that align with our beliefs and values.

Sense of Self at Work

Authenticity isn’t reserved for personal lives. In working relationships — with colleagues, managers, clients, and stakeholders — your Sense of Self matters. Communicating from that place brings clarity and confidence.

• High-performing teams treat authenticity as a competitive edge: people who can be themselves think more freely, innovate faster, and engage more fully.
• But authenticity ≠ full exposure. Professionalism includes knowing what’s appropriate to share. Thoughtful boundaries are a sign of respect — for yourself and for others.
• Valuing your own individuality goes hand-in-hand with valuing the individuality of others, creating psychologically safe, inclusive spaces where everyone can belong.

Reflection Questions

Here's some questions to help you consider your Sense of Self in relationships:

• Do I feel free to express my thoughts and preferences without fear of judgment or dismissal?
• What aspects of myself have grown (or dimmed) since being in this relationship?
• Am I aware of my unique strengths — and does my partner, team, or manager celebrate them and support me to develop them further?
• Where am I compromising too much of myself for the sake of harmony — or acceptance?
• How can I bring more of my authentic self into my closest connections — personal and professional?
• What do I do to see and encourage the Sense of Self of others and enable them to shine?

🔍 How do you stay grounded in who you are while growing with others?

💡 Which practices strengthen relationship resilience and high performance in your world?

I'd love for you to share your thoughts and insights as I continue to explore the key ingredients to healthy high performance and relationships in today's workplace.