Failure hurts - and that's why it matters

When was the last time you experienced failure?

How did it feel?

Did it spur you on — or make you hesitate about trying again?

Failure isn’t just about not reaching a goal. It’s about the emotional pain that comes with it. The embarrassment. The shame. The fear that others might see us as less capable, less resilient, less enough.

We live in a culture that celebrates those who push beyond what they thought possible. We admire the stories of grit and glory: risking it all, enduring pain, suffering, exhaustion — and still making it to the summit. These tales are inspiring, but they can also leave us believing that anything short of absolute triumph is weakness.

September 3rd 2024, I attempted to climb Mount Toubkal, the highest peak in North Africa. I didn’t make it.

I’d had a full day of tough hiking, little sleep, and a 2am start. I couldn’t keep pace with the rest of the group who had gone on ahead. Clambering over boulders in the pitch black, scree sliding beneath my feet, I hit my limit. My body refused to cooperate and I realised I had nothing left. At 3,560m – just 600m from the summit – I had to stop. I wouldn’t make it to the summit for sunrise, and I knew I couldn’t get back down safely and be able to complete the 12km trek back to the start. Through tears, I admitted defeat. I felt exposed, vulnerable, and ashamed.

One year on, it still hurts. And yet… that “failure” became one of my greatest teachers. Sometimes failure IS the best option.

It reminded me of the six ingredients I believe build strong, resilient relationships:

• Sense of Self: Knowing when to stop, even when it hurts.
• Safety: Protecting myself and others by not pushing beyond what was wise.
• Support: My partner stayed with me, sacrificing his own summit for my wellbeing.
• Sanctuary: Sanctuary came later, when rest and the kindness of others helped me reframe the crushing disappointment.
• Sharing: Being open about failure deepened connection, not distance.
• Synchronicity: We aligned around what really mattered – care and compassion, not conquest.

Failure strips away the masks we wear. It shows us who we are, and who will walk beside us when we stumble.

I’m still learning to see failure differently: not as a judgement, but as a doorway — to growth, to connection, and to resilience.

✨ If you’d like to reflect on your own experience of failure, here are some coaching questions inspired by my Heartwood model. They focus not only on how we respond, but also how we show up for others:

• Sense of Self: What did this failure teach you about your strengths and your limits? How can you honour that awareness in others when they falter?
• Safety: How did you (or could you) protect your wellbeing in that moment? How do you create safety for people around you when they fail?
• Support: Who stood beside you when things didn’t go to plan, and how did that support show up? How do you offer that same generosity to others?
• Sanctuary: Where have you found space to rest, recover, and reframe the experience? How might you offer sanctuary — patience, understanding, space — to someone else?
• Sharing: What part of your story might you share with others to create connection rather than isolation? How do you make space for others to share theirs?
• Synchronicity: Looking back, what deeper alignment or value did you uncover through this setback? How do you help others reconnect with what really matters when their plans fall apart?